THIS YEAR.
The last day of 2013 I spent "celebrating" with the stomach flu. It was seriously awful and I was so grateful that my sweet Molly was elsewhere that day/night/miserable time. I figured that my 2014 had nowhere to go but UP, and that is what it most certainly did. It has been full of blessings, happiness, and redemption after a lengthy time of, let's just call it, a hope drought. :)
BEING A MOM.
When I found out I was going to have a baby (like 7 years ago) I wanted "it" to come out and be like 2. :) I was so scared of having a newborn, and had such little experience with taking care of infants that I was certain I would be miserable at it. However, I was so delighted (but not really surprised) that my tiny sweet baby was the absolute most precious, wonderful, amazing "thing" I had ever held in my arms, and I couldn't get enough of her. I have LOVED every single stage of her life and watching her grow. I asked my mom-hero-friend Michelle once what kid age she liked the most--she said it just gets better and better. She has no favorite, she said every age is a blessing. Hence, she is my mom-hero. :) She totally nailed it--I keep thinking "this age is my favorite" and then it gets better. I am so proud of this little person my Molly is becoming. She is smart, funny, sweet, thoughtful, considerate, a great friend, a great student, helpful, and passionate about the things that matter to her. She loves Jesus and her family, and takes such sweet care of her pets. She values the lessons from all of her grandparents, and has so much respect for her dad, which is so important. She follows directions (woo-hoo!!!!!) and truly loves life. She is my best gift. I thank God for her constantly.
MY FAMILY.
I have the best family in the entire world. My parents provided my sister and I the most idyllic childhood you could imagine. A beautiful home, a woods to explore at the end of the block, a park to play in down the street, a dead end road to ride bikes on (clothing optional--that's a later story), family dinners, church every Sunday, Grammy within walking distance, piano lessons, dance class, swim team, tennis team, volleyball, family vacations, a Barbie dream house for Christmas, Purdue games, a POOL in the backyard, a dog, a cat, a Nintendo (ah yeah), no tv or phones in our rooms (I now appreciate that), parent attendance to every single recital, meet, concert, play, etc. The list goes on forever, but it was storybook perfect.
I have so appreciated the ways my sister and I have grown closer throughout our adult lives. We had very little in common (she loved to read stories, I loved to act out my stories, preferably with an audience) :). But I always tried to imitate the qualities that made her cool (like a good little sister does.) She taught me to love great music (Bon Jovi, Chicago, New Kids on the Block to name a few) :) and her obsession with Michael Jordan preempted my own fascination with the Bulls' second best, Scottie Pippen. She taught me how to perfectly imitate my mom's signature (Everything came easily to her--playing piano (she was better at it, but I enjoyed it more), swimming (I learned recently that I kind of stole her events...I didn't know that at the time...sorry, Ang), NOT dancing (that was my one up), and she always knew how to make things more fun and interesting (she's still got it). She has an insatiable need to understand and know all the details, and that quality makes you feel like the most important person on the planet when she starts inquiring into your life. And not because she's "nosy," but because she cares and wants to understand. She empathizes, shows compassion, and problem solves. She's kind of the yin to my yang in that sense. I just do, usually without thinking, and then pick up the pieces later--usually by starting with a phone call to my sister. :)
For better or worse, I still measure my success by my family's acceptance. I can't help it. They're my awesomeness gauge, and they set the bar high by their example.
TEACHING.
I have always loved working with kids, and teaching is something that just comes naturally to me. Maybe because I'm a total kid at heart, but I understand their language, and I seem to grasp the right way to explain things so they understand. Usually. :) I love to read books to kids and talk about the lessons within them (ironically, since as a kid I really didn't like books at all--much to my teaching mother's dismay!) And, of course, my VERY favorite thing to do is ACT OUT stories with them, and teach the love of theatre. I am so very grateful for the opportunity to get back to doing what I love the most, and for the encouragement and acceptance of my students and families, staff, and administration at my now "former" school for championing me in the process. Lafayette Civic Theatre, here I come!
THE LORD.
I am utterly in awe of the ways God works. He is so faithful, and in my deepest despair, I never felt abandoned. He held me close in my deepest depression and loneliest years. He surrounded me with loving compassion from friends and strangers in my scariest days. He is the source of every single gift of grace, love, and joy I have been blessed to receive. He has redeemed the guilt and shame I still deal with from divorce. He has shown me what hope and faith are made of, and has never ever EVER failed me.
DAN CURRY.
(Earlier blog post about my thank you letter to Michelle Moody will explain more here). :) No one has ever made me feel more special, honored, beautiful, smart, wonderful, competent, confident, and loved. He makes every single part of my life better. I honestly had given up thinking that this man existed--this man that loves the Lord, is both respectful and respectable, puts others before himself, is smart, funny, adorkable, and dantastic. :) This amazing man who has captured my heart proposed to me on December 29th. There are so many unknowns in all of this, and my first question to him was, "how long are you willing to wait on me?" After all, we do live kind of far apart... His response, "I would wait forever for you." So I said yes. :) I'm going to marry him, and I couldn't be happier. :) So if you've been perseverant enough to read this whole thing, you now know that I am engaged. Happiest year of my life. I have Molly, my new job, a plethora of amazing friends and family, and now I get to expand my family by three more. (Dan has two kids--a 14 year old son and a 12 year old daughter). Hooray for 2014. :) I'm looking forward to what 2015 has in store. :)
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
Time to Give Thanks
As I sit here in my quiet little basement apartment after the rush of the Thanksgiving holiday-- driving from here to there, relatives, birthday parties, Christmas tree lightings, airports, obscene amounts of food, etc., I can't help from reflecting on the most memorable Thanksgiving I've had to date. I was dreading that day. It was three years ago, and the first Thanksgiving I would be spending without my daughter. The day before that holiday of gratitude, I filed for divorce, put the house I loved on the market, and was working on about 3 hours of sleep from casting a show the night before. Only one of those things was normal for me at the time...
While Molly was away for the holiday, my task was to move out of the house and into my little rental house (just down the street) with no appliances, very little furniture, and no money to hire movers--though without much to move, that wasn't such a big deal:). Not to mention, the house needed to--HAD TO--be painted. It was a deep tan color from ceiling to floor. It looked like a dark and dreary cave. I felt like I had been living in a dark and dreary cave emotionally, so an optical representation of one was not something I cared to live in.
It was a Wednesday evening, (Thanksgiving Eve, if you will) and as I began to prep my new rental to move in, I gave a shout out to friends on Facebook to come over and help move or paint. I had SO MANY people show up that I almost had to turn people away. There were more people than paintbrushes, and more bodies than space to paint in. I prioritized the spaces Molly would be in most (her bedroom being our first task) so that when she got back from her dad's, she would feel right at home. I will never forget the daze I was working in--both from the shock of so much change happening all at once, and then from the number of people that came out of the woodwork to help me. ME. They came to HELP ME.
I need to also mention here that about a week and a half after these events was my 33rd birthday...the day my dad collapsed and ended up in the hospital with complications from an undiagnosed brain tumor. Streptococcal pneumonia, life support, sepsis, surgery to remove the tumor, life support again, facial paralysis, rehab, a feeding tube, and a gazillion doctor's appointments followed that day. He would be in and out of hospitals and rehab for the next six months of that year.
I truly hope that no one would ever feel as alone as I did in the years preceding my divorce, but I fear that at some point, nearly all humans have been there. It is extremely isolating to feel like you are failing every single day, and the more you talk about it, the more you hate hearing yourself talk, so you isolate yourself even more. Blech. Not my point here at all. My point is that those people who showed up to HELP ME were actually starting the process of a rescue mission that recently came to fruition this past year, which is probably why I'm just now able to write about it. I want to give a shout out to every single person by name that showed up (in some way) to rescue me, but I know that I would most certainly leave someone out... but here is a list of the ways people showed up for me in my time of need, a time I was dreading the most, that turned out to be the absolute most thankful, beautiful Thanksgiving season I have ever experienced:
- The "theatre kids" who moved all of my things, picked up a paintbrush, made me laugh through my tears, and surrounded me when they could have been doing ANYTHING else. One very early morning in my four day painting frenzy, I walked out of the room to find a Wendy's paper sack taped with painter's tape to the wall (no paper unpacked yet) with a handwritten note on it. The note first off "yelled" at me to go back to bed (I wasn't sleeping much), but then proceeded to express some of the most beautiful and uplifting thoughts I have ever read. I still have that note taped to a wall next to my bed.
- Chelsea Davis and her family who "doan"ated a plate of food to my painting extravaganza. I would not leave the house until it was ready for Molly, which meant painting straight through Thanksgiving celebrations and dinners. Around 3:00 p.m. I noticed that my stomach was extremely empty. At approximately 3:01 my phone rang. It was Chelsea. At approximately 3:08 Chelsea was walking in my door with a plate of the most DELICIOUS food I have ever tasted. Best. Pumpkin. Pie. Ever. But the best part was not the food--it was that Chelsea sat with me while I ate. She offered fellowship, and that was far more filling than the food.
- My Bible study group showed up at my door and started packing boxes when I just totally shut down...I didn't even ask...they just came. I wouldn't have been able to accomplish anything without their push, love, and encouragement. That same group took up a collection of cash about a month later when my dad was extremely ill, and I was having trouble paying my rent...My angels that allowed themselves to be used by God to remind me that HE ALWAYS PROVIDES.
- My "besties" who checked in on me from a distance (Seattle, Texas, Indy, Chicago, Maryland)--calls, facebook messages, text messages--all of their words brought me comfort and connection that fed my soul in that time. My college roommate, upon hearing about everything happening (divorce, move, my dad in the hospital, etc.) immediately booked a flight from Houston to spend a week with me over her Christmas break. She truly held me together during that time. I have the best friends ON THE PLANET.
- The numerous people and families who helped with childcare while moving/traveling to Indy to visit my dad/working two jobs/adjusting to all of the changes...the Hudspith family especially, who took Molly for FREE--took her to family events, fed her, loved on her, and made her feel like part of their family--I have no idea how to do my gratitude justice for these amazing people.
- My co-workers at COACH Kids who donated paid time off so I could visit my dad, provided childcare, and surrounded me with lots of prayer, patience, understanding, and unconditional friendship. That job was a straight up gift from God who knew exactly where I needed to be at exactly the right time.
- Did I mention that I was putting on a play during this time??? The families I was working with through that winter were SO PATIENT WITH ME. They forgave my lack of organization (more so than normal, anyway!) :) and even sent food home with me a couple of times after rehearsals. Everyone showed up to help in some way, big or small, and the show miraculously came together, going off without a hitch!
- The sweet new mom who caught me in a hospital hallway breaking down...I couldn't hold it together any more, and I just crumpled to the floor in a heap. I had seen her earlier that evening and admired how adorable of a mother she was--her tiny little baby in a stroller--the image of her brought me hope. As I sat in my heap, I felt a hand on my shoulder and a kind voice say, "May I pray for you?" I couldn't speak. I just looked up at her through blurry eyes and nodded. I mouthed the words "thank you" but I couldn't speak for a very long time after that. I'll never know her name, but again, I have my God to thank for sending her to me.
- The young man in a wheelchair (his name is Skylar) with the biggest, brightest blue eyes I have ever seen. I think he had cerebral palsy, maybe? He saw me in the hallway leaving the ICU after visiting my dad and asked me, "Do you know Jesus?" To which I responded, "I do." He said, "He loves you, do you know that?" "I do. Isn't He awesome? Jesus is my man." Skylar reached out to take my hand, and then kissed it. To which I said, "Hey...are you FLIRTING with me???" He giggled. I felt myself smile...I hadn't done that in awhile. Skylar brought me joy that night. Another sprinkle of love and hope from my faithful, loving Heavenly Father who wanted to keep my perspective in check.
- Pastor Leo who ran into me one day at work. He has a painting business on the side of his full time ministry, and we got to talking. In all of the craziness, I had never finished painting my bedroom. Since no one saw it, and it didn't affect Molly, I just figured when life calmed down, I would get to it. It needed at least one more coat of paint, and the outlets covered. Pastor Leo asked if there was any way he could bless me--he came in the next day with one other painter, and in about 45 minutes they had my room DONE. He would accept no money, only that I give God the glory for the blessing.
So, the time to give thanks is NOW. Every waking moment. Every breath that God allows me to breath is precious and purposeful. His faithfulness overwhelms me--in my darkest time of need, He shows up in so many different ways. He fed my soul with these expressions of love and friendship that truly rescued me from my misery, fear, and shame. God is good, ALL the time. All the time, God is GOOD. I am so thankful.
While Molly was away for the holiday, my task was to move out of the house and into my little rental house (just down the street) with no appliances, very little furniture, and no money to hire movers--though without much to move, that wasn't such a big deal:). Not to mention, the house needed to--HAD TO--be painted. It was a deep tan color from ceiling to floor. It looked like a dark and dreary cave. I felt like I had been living in a dark and dreary cave emotionally, so an optical representation of one was not something I cared to live in.
It was a Wednesday evening, (Thanksgiving Eve, if you will) and as I began to prep my new rental to move in, I gave a shout out to friends on Facebook to come over and help move or paint. I had SO MANY people show up that I almost had to turn people away. There were more people than paintbrushes, and more bodies than space to paint in. I prioritized the spaces Molly would be in most (her bedroom being our first task) so that when she got back from her dad's, she would feel right at home. I will never forget the daze I was working in--both from the shock of so much change happening all at once, and then from the number of people that came out of the woodwork to help me. ME. They came to HELP ME.
I need to also mention here that about a week and a half after these events was my 33rd birthday...the day my dad collapsed and ended up in the hospital with complications from an undiagnosed brain tumor. Streptococcal pneumonia, life support, sepsis, surgery to remove the tumor, life support again, facial paralysis, rehab, a feeding tube, and a gazillion doctor's appointments followed that day. He would be in and out of hospitals and rehab for the next six months of that year.
I truly hope that no one would ever feel as alone as I did in the years preceding my divorce, but I fear that at some point, nearly all humans have been there. It is extremely isolating to feel like you are failing every single day, and the more you talk about it, the more you hate hearing yourself talk, so you isolate yourself even more. Blech. Not my point here at all. My point is that those people who showed up to HELP ME were actually starting the process of a rescue mission that recently came to fruition this past year, which is probably why I'm just now able to write about it. I want to give a shout out to every single person by name that showed up (in some way) to rescue me, but I know that I would most certainly leave someone out... but here is a list of the ways people showed up for me in my time of need, a time I was dreading the most, that turned out to be the absolute most thankful, beautiful Thanksgiving season I have ever experienced:
- The "theatre kids" who moved all of my things, picked up a paintbrush, made me laugh through my tears, and surrounded me when they could have been doing ANYTHING else. One very early morning in my four day painting frenzy, I walked out of the room to find a Wendy's paper sack taped with painter's tape to the wall (no paper unpacked yet) with a handwritten note on it. The note first off "yelled" at me to go back to bed (I wasn't sleeping much), but then proceeded to express some of the most beautiful and uplifting thoughts I have ever read. I still have that note taped to a wall next to my bed.
- Chelsea Davis and her family who "doan"ated a plate of food to my painting extravaganza. I would not leave the house until it was ready for Molly, which meant painting straight through Thanksgiving celebrations and dinners. Around 3:00 p.m. I noticed that my stomach was extremely empty. At approximately 3:01 my phone rang. It was Chelsea. At approximately 3:08 Chelsea was walking in my door with a plate of the most DELICIOUS food I have ever tasted. Best. Pumpkin. Pie. Ever. But the best part was not the food--it was that Chelsea sat with me while I ate. She offered fellowship, and that was far more filling than the food.
- My Bible study group showed up at my door and started packing boxes when I just totally shut down...I didn't even ask...they just came. I wouldn't have been able to accomplish anything without their push, love, and encouragement. That same group took up a collection of cash about a month later when my dad was extremely ill, and I was having trouble paying my rent...My angels that allowed themselves to be used by God to remind me that HE ALWAYS PROVIDES.
- My "besties" who checked in on me from a distance (Seattle, Texas, Indy, Chicago, Maryland)--calls, facebook messages, text messages--all of their words brought me comfort and connection that fed my soul in that time. My college roommate, upon hearing about everything happening (divorce, move, my dad in the hospital, etc.) immediately booked a flight from Houston to spend a week with me over her Christmas break. She truly held me together during that time. I have the best friends ON THE PLANET.
- The numerous people and families who helped with childcare while moving/traveling to Indy to visit my dad/working two jobs/adjusting to all of the changes...the Hudspith family especially, who took Molly for FREE--took her to family events, fed her, loved on her, and made her feel like part of their family--I have no idea how to do my gratitude justice for these amazing people.
- My co-workers at COACH Kids who donated paid time off so I could visit my dad, provided childcare, and surrounded me with lots of prayer, patience, understanding, and unconditional friendship. That job was a straight up gift from God who knew exactly where I needed to be at exactly the right time.
- Did I mention that I was putting on a play during this time??? The families I was working with through that winter were SO PATIENT WITH ME. They forgave my lack of organization (more so than normal, anyway!) :) and even sent food home with me a couple of times after rehearsals. Everyone showed up to help in some way, big or small, and the show miraculously came together, going off without a hitch!
- The sweet new mom who caught me in a hospital hallway breaking down...I couldn't hold it together any more, and I just crumpled to the floor in a heap. I had seen her earlier that evening and admired how adorable of a mother she was--her tiny little baby in a stroller--the image of her brought me hope. As I sat in my heap, I felt a hand on my shoulder and a kind voice say, "May I pray for you?" I couldn't speak. I just looked up at her through blurry eyes and nodded. I mouthed the words "thank you" but I couldn't speak for a very long time after that. I'll never know her name, but again, I have my God to thank for sending her to me.
- The young man in a wheelchair (his name is Skylar) with the biggest, brightest blue eyes I have ever seen. I think he had cerebral palsy, maybe? He saw me in the hallway leaving the ICU after visiting my dad and asked me, "Do you know Jesus?" To which I responded, "I do." He said, "He loves you, do you know that?" "I do. Isn't He awesome? Jesus is my man." Skylar reached out to take my hand, and then kissed it. To which I said, "Hey...are you FLIRTING with me???" He giggled. I felt myself smile...I hadn't done that in awhile. Skylar brought me joy that night. Another sprinkle of love and hope from my faithful, loving Heavenly Father who wanted to keep my perspective in check.
- Pastor Leo who ran into me one day at work. He has a painting business on the side of his full time ministry, and we got to talking. In all of the craziness, I had never finished painting my bedroom. Since no one saw it, and it didn't affect Molly, I just figured when life calmed down, I would get to it. It needed at least one more coat of paint, and the outlets covered. Pastor Leo asked if there was any way he could bless me--he came in the next day with one other painter, and in about 45 minutes they had my room DONE. He would accept no money, only that I give God the glory for the blessing.
So, the time to give thanks is NOW. Every waking moment. Every breath that God allows me to breath is precious and purposeful. His faithfulness overwhelms me--in my darkest time of need, He shows up in so many different ways. He fed my soul with these expressions of love and friendship that truly rescued me from my misery, fear, and shame. God is good, ALL the time. All the time, God is GOOD. I am so thankful.
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